


The List

by BlueStar86



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 11x9 did NOT happen, Angst, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Fluff, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, New Year's Resolutions, Season/Series 11, post 11x8, well only some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 11:55:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5625679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueStar86/pseuds/BlueStar86
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean got extremely drunk on New Years Eve and wrote himself a list of resolutions that he wants to achieve in 2016. This is his sober reaction and attempt at completing the list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The List

**Author's Note:**

> This was an idea I had because I am still so desperate for Dean in canon to apologise to Cas and to be nicer to Cas and Sam. (canon Dean has been a bit of a dick lately as far as I'm concerned and I wanted to fix that.) I wrote this extremely quickly and it is not beta read. All mistake and grammatical errors are my own.

It was January 2nd and Dean was looking over the list that he had written whilst drunk on New Year’s Eve. He didn’t even remember writing it, only that he had managed to get himself into a state of drunkenness that was usually rare for him nowadays. He couldn’t remember much of what he had done that night and he certainly didn’t remember this.

He read through the list with a puzzled look on his face, wondering why on earth he ever would have written half this stuff let alone even admitted it to himself.

January 1st was a write off. He spent the entire day grumpy and stalking around the bunker like a cave man. Appearing only for left over take out and coffee. Sam and Cas had both rightfully avoided him. Still, today was another day and rather than throw the list away and pretend it had never happened, he decided instead that he could at least attempt to make a start on some of the items mentioned. Item 1 should be straight forward enough.

_Dean’s New Year’s Resolutions – Come on asshat you need to do this stuff!!_

He chuckled at his drunken self’s message of encouragement.

  1. _Give up the booze. I mean it Dean. Give it up. Your liver will thank you._



Dean sighed and looked up at the half full bottle of whiskey on his desk. His former self did have a point, his alcohol consumption had gone up considerably in the past few years and it had taken 2 and a half bottles of hard liquor to get himself drunk the other night. Enough was enough. He grabbed the bottle and the other unopened bottle hidden in his desk draw and shuffled out to the kitchen. Taking a deep breath he opened the lids and poured both bottles down the drain.

“So long Jack, nice knowing you.” Dean said as he threw the empty bottles in the trash. He opened the fridge to see 3 beers but figured he could leave those for Sam. He pulled the list out of his dressing gown pocket and looked over the next point.

  1. _Try to eat healthy. Lay off on the greasy diner food. Try a salad (urgh)._



Well. He certainly wasn’t going to eat that Kale crap again. No matter what Sam said. But sure, he could probably cut down on the greasy burgers. He looked down at his stomach and gave it a pinch. Hmmm. Yeah perhaps I could do with getting back into shape. He contemplated trying to run after demons whilst carrying a spare tire and pushing 40 and shuddered. Nope. No way that’s happening! Okay so he may not be able to turn back the clock but he could certainly sort out his fitness… which led to the next item on the list…

  1. _Attempt the gym. Running away from monsters only gets you so far you ass._



Ha. That figures, even drunk Dean wasn’t sure he could manage this one, adding the ‘attempt’ in there like that alone was an accomplishment. This was all Sam’s area after all. Though since Cas had been staying with them he had been running with Sam in the mornings and Dean had heard them sparring in the gym on some quiet afternoons between research. Though he wasn’t sure how that worked since Cas technically still had his grace and surely could beat Sam every time? Not that Dean had ever been bothered to find out… plus if he was truly honest with himself, he was kinda jealous that he hadn’t been asked to join them. Sparring with Cas might have been fun if it wasn’t for all that bad tension still between them. Dean sighed again as his thoughts carried him to a darker place and tried to shrug them off. He strolled down to the gym. So far he hadn’t heard either Sam or Cas this morning so either they were both still avoiding him or they were out.

Eyeing up the ancient men of letters gym equipment he settled himself on the bench. Lying back and gripping the bar weight above his chest. He took in a breath and attempted to lift it up. Thinking that it wasn’t THAT difficult he lowered the weights to his chest again and pushed them above him, breathing out as he did. Yeah, okay he could admit that doing 20 or so of these probably would leave him pretty breathless but he knew he was strong. Years of grave digging and running from supernatural creatures helped increase your strength and stamina, but Dean had never had the patience or self-discipline to focus on a full gym session before. And running, well they could forget that. Dean wasn’t going to run unless he was running for his life. But sure, he could attempt this gym crap. If only to feel a bit better about himself. Resolution done. He sat up on the bench and looked back at the list.

  1. _Be nice to Sammy. He is your brother and he deserves to be treated right. Stop being a dick._



Well that should be easy. Though when he thought about it honestly his drunk self was right, he had been a dick to his brother in recent months. After the whole situation with the Mark of Cain and the Darkness being released he could have tried harder to show Sam his appreciation for everything he went through. Dean sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Then he pocketed the list and set off again to find his little brother.

He found Sam sitting quietly in the library reading one of the many ancient volumes the men of letters left at their disposal. Clearly he had skipped his run this morning because he looked like he hadn’t long been up.

“Heya Sammy.” He greeted him. Almost immediately Dean had to fight back the desire to mock Sam on his once again overly long hair which was currently in an extremely dishevelled mess. Sam sat up and grunted a hello back and ran his fingers through his hair as if expecting an insult. As if by magic his glorious mane was tamed and seemingly perfect again. Dean stopped himself from rolling his eyes and cast his brother a grin.

“So er… How you doing today? You feeling alright?” He asked awkwardly. Sam blinked at him in astonishment.

“Um… yeah. I’m fine. How are you?” He asked back.

Dean swallowed back a gulp of regret at the reaction and tried to maintain an air of kindness. He was far too aware of how easily he became grumpy and aggressive these days. “I’m good Sam. Just wondering about those visions of yours? Not keeping you up too much are they?”

Sam eyes him suspiciously. “No… why do you wanna talk about it anyway?”

“I dunno Sam, Is it so hard to believe that I care about you? That maybe we could talk about things, resolve some issues?” Dean answered with exasperation. Sam just stared at him in disbelief.

“Sure Dean. If you are gonna take this seriously and have an adult conversation about it.” Sam snapped. Dean winced but Sam had a point, every time Sam’s visions or plan to visit the cage had been brought up Dean had snapped and refused to talk about it.

Dean felt kind of taken aback and looked down to fumble at the list currently scrunched up in his hands. “Yeah, of course Sam.” He croaked. “I’m ah, trying to be better. Ya know, new year new start and all that jazz, heh.” He mumbled whilst adamantly refusing to look at his brother. He heard Sam sigh.

“Okay.” Sam said. “Perhaps we can sit down later and talk about it. Properly. Only I’m kind of in the middle of something and I want to finish up here. Is that alright?” He explained kindly. Dean looked up and saw him smiling. 

“Yeah of course Sammy. We need to be smart about all this crap. And I... I need to stop being a dick to you.” Dean said as Sam widened his eyes in surprise.

“Yeah Dean. Though I don’t think you’re THAT bad. You’re just kind of hot tempered that’s all.” Sam laughed. “So this is like a new year’s resolution thing?” He asked. Dean realised he was looking at the rumpled paper in his hands and scrunched it tighter so Sam couldn’t see what he had written. He nodded.

“Yeah, I made a list. Just some small things. Silly really.” Dean brushed it off though he could already feel a blush rising and cursed himself for that. Sam eyed him with a knowing smirk.

“What else is on your list?” He asked.

Dean looked down again and gripped the list tighter in his hand. “Oh just the usual new year stuff, don’t drink, eat healthy, go to the gym…” Sam raised his eyebrows.

“You wanna use the gym? I think you have been in the gym twice since we have lived here!” Sam laughed again. Dean huffed.

“Its 3 times as of today actually, and I mean it Sammy. I want to be better ya know. Feel good about myself for once. New start.”

Sam nodded and smiled widely at him. He reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. Dean looked slightly surprised by the gesture.

“Well, I’m proud of you, even if you only keep it up for a week. It’s still an achievement Dean.” He said, now positively glowing with pride. “But um… you know, there could be one more thing to add to that list…” Sam said awkwardly whilst nodding his head back towards the bedrooms. Dean raised his eyebrows. No way could Sam have seen what he had written.

“I dunno what you’re talking about Sammy.” He stood up quickly. “Anyway. Good talk. We’ll er… sit down later and hash out a plan, or something. Promise.” He smiled at Sam and tried to ignore his brothers smug grin. Walking quickly out of the library and hearing Sam chuckle to himself as he went.

He hid back in his bedroom and smoothed out the very crumpled list to glance over the final point. He sighed and shoved it back in his pocket before walking over to the mirror to take a look at himself. He was still in his bed clothes and dressing gown, his hair still rumpled from sleep. He tried to smooth it down to his best efforts and threw his reflection a grin.

“New year Dean. New start. You can do this.” He said out loud to himself. Trying not to ponder too much on exactly what Sam was implying he stood up and left his room again to tiptoe gently down the hall, hoping his moose of a brother wouldn’t hear him.

He stopped in front of a door 3 doors down from his own. Until recently this room had been unused, though it had been cleared out and furnished ready for its occupant for years now. Dean took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

“Come in” he heard Cas shout from inside. His voice a deep grumble which meant he had not yet reached a state where he was ready to face the world. Cas may not have needed sleep as an angel, but he spent the long night time hours hidden away in this room in a meditative state which often left him grumpy and disorientated in the mornings.

Dean entered quietly and shut the door behind him, unwilling to let Sam hear anything that he was about to say. He smiled awkwardly at Cas and tried not to stare at him in awe. Cas was sitting up in his bed, still buried under a blanket and his covers, surrounded by pillows and looking extremely comfy. He was reading one of Dean’s old books. A beaten up copy of Cat’s Cradle. He looked up and smiled kindly at Dean. His blue eyes still shining in that otherworldly way that made Dean’s heart skip a beat every time he caught his gaze.

“Hey man,” Dean said, still standing awkwardly by the door and shuffling his feet. Cas continued to smile at him.

“Hello Dean. Please come sit down.” Cas gestured to the end of his bed and Dean followed his motion by perching at the very end. Dean gave him an awkward smile in return and cleared his throat.

“Is everything alright Dean? You look… nervous?” Cas asked, squinting at Dean in that way that Dean found fricking adorable. Dean sighed.

“Cas – I wondered if – if we could talk?” He looked up at Cas hopefully, holding his breath.

“Of course Dean.” Cas answered. Then paused and eyes him suspiciously. “What do you want to talk about?” A shadow fell across Cas’ face that anyone other than Dean might not have noticed, but Dean’s heart fell when he saw it. The last time he had properly asked Cas to talk he had kicked him out of the bunker, human, helpless and with nowhere else to go.

“Its nothing bad!” He answered quickly, moving closer to Cas on the bed and reaching out to clap Cas on the shoulder, before realising how awkward it made him look and pulling his hand back. It seemed to have worked though as Cas visibly relaxed. “I – I wanted to say I’m sorry. For everything man.” Dean looked down at his hands and shook his head. “Things have been pretty messed up lately and I guess I’ve been avoiding everything.”

Cas looked down and clenched his jaw. A mannerism Dean was sure Cas had picked up from him. He nodded. “Dean. You don’t need to apologize. We have both been through-“

“Cas, let me finish.” Dean held up his hand as he cut Cas off. He swallowed down his fear and continued. “You don’t need to apologize, but I do. I have been a dick, and I don’t even have the mark as an excuse. I’m sorry. We have a lot of crap that we should have talked about ages ago, but we never do and it keeps on building up and I dunno man, its pulling us apart.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Glancing back at Cas who was looking at him with wide eyes as if in anticipation of something unspoken. Dean felt it too and looked away again. He shook his head. “ I don’t wanna lose you.” He mumbled into his hands.

Dean felt the lump in his throat as he realised he was playing with the rumpled list. He couldn’t remember pulling it out of his pocket. Before he could hide it away again though Cas had reached out and took hold of his hands.

“Dean, look at me.” Cas said, not noticing the list. Dean looked up into his overly blue eyes and felt completely lost. Cas was looking at him in that way that made Dean’s heart want to leap out of his chest. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going to lose me.” He said it with such honesty Dean wasn’t sure what to think.

“How can you be so certain of that?” Dean croaked.

Cas smiled at him. “Because no matter what happens Dean, we always seem to find our way back to each other.” Dean huffed a laugh and nodded slowly.

“Yeah I guess we do.” He was holding onto Cas’ hand now with a tighter grip. Cas seemed to have noticed as he was looking down at their entwined fingers and felt the screwed up paper in Deans hand.

“What’s this?” He asked.

“Oh” Dean realised what Cas was looking at and tried to pull back. “Its nothing Cas, just a… just a silly list with some New Year’s Resolutions that’s all.” Cas raised an eyebrow.

“Can I see it?” He asked earnestly. Dean sighed and silently admitted his defeat. Handing the rumpled paper over to Cas as he tried to supress the rising blush in his cheeks.

Cas smoothed out the paper and read down the lift, smiling fondly at Dean’s drunken message to himself and nodding as he went through each point. When he got to the last point he raised his eyebrows and widened his eyes. Looking up at Dean and meeting his nervous gaze. Dean shrugged.

“Heh, yeah so about that last one…” he started to explain.

“Dean is this true?” Cas asked, his eyes full of hope. Dean cursed his pale complexion as Cas must have noticed his blush by now, but Cas just continued to stare at him.

“Well… we never did sit down and talk about… this.” Dean answered as he frantically gestured between himself and Cas. “You… you told me you’d stay with me.” Dean’s voice broke as he tried to explain himself. “You told me that you would be there with me when I had no one left.” Dean noticed Cas’ eyes were filling with tears and it occurred to him he had never seen the angel cry before, even when he was human. It unnerved him slightly. “Cas” his voice croaked and he tried to compose himself. He took another breath and continued. “I was in a bad way, and I did something that I will never forgive myself for… and still you stood by me, even after that.” He broke Cas’ gaze and looked down at his hands once again, he sighed. “I’ll never deserve you.” He whispered, more to himself than to Cas, though he knew the angel could hear him.

Cas reached over again and took his hands, entwining their fingers again. Before he could speak Dean continued. “So maybe that should be my real resolution this year. That I can make myself a better man. That I can be better for… for you.”

“Dean.” The way Cas said his name always made him feel like he was the most important thing in the universe, and right now was no exception. When he looked up at the angel in front of him he was wearing the biggest smile and tears were running down his cheeks.

“Dean. You are already far better than anything I could wish for.” Dean let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding and felt the tears roll down his cheeks. Cas held out his hand and cupped his face, smoothing away the tears with his thumb.

Dean leaned into Cas’ hand and smiled at him. Reaching out and laying a hand on the back of Cas’ neck, pulling him closer. “So ah… you’re okay with that final point then?” He flashed Cas a quick grin and Cas beamed at him and nodded quickly.

“Yes Dean. Of course I am. I couldn’t be happier.” He said as Dean breathed a sigh of relief. “Now will you kiss me already?” Dean raised his eyebrows at Cas’ bluntness but he couldn’t argue with that. He leaned in and brushed his lips against Cas’, trying to keep things relatively chaste, but Cas had other ideas. He moved his hands to the back of Dean’s head and pulled him, pressing their lips firmly together. Cas opened his mouth and licked along Deans lips, gaining entrance to his mouth and deepening the kiss. Dean was at that moment in heaven. The good kind of heaven rather than the actual heaven. It was better than anything he could have imagined, and he had spent a long time imagining what kissing Cas would be like. As he pulled Cas closer still, both lost in the moment of passion, the crinkled paper list fell from Cas’ lap onto the floor for anyone to read. Point 5 finally accomplished, in Dean’s own way:

  1. _Tell Cas just how stupidly ridiculously in love with him you actually are._



When they finally pulled apart for air, Cas gazed at him lovingly and with a grin said “For the record Dean, I am stupidly, ridiculously in love with you too.” Dean laughed and kissed him again. 2016 was already looking to be a great year.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this. Please come say hello to me on tumblr at http://bluestar86.tumblr.com/


End file.
